Rewarding

I wish I had been born with a "yellow"personality. You know, according to the revered "Color Code" personality test, this is the fun-loving personality that allows people to be spontaneous and see the joy in everything. Sometimes I wish to throw off my shackles of responsibility and duty without the accompanying guilt of my "blue" personality.

I had an small, albeit depressing, epiphany today at work. In many areas of life, at least my life, when you are responsible and do a great job, you get rewarded....with more responsibility and more work.

Yep. Just once I would like to have someone say "Nice job...why don't you take a week off?" or "Hey, here's a bonus for all those extra hours you put in at work." or "Why don't we put all the above-grade- level students who behave perfectly in your class for a year to give you a break" or "Why don't you be the assistant hymn-book coordinator?"

Don't get me wrong - it's nice to feel needed, to know that someone has confidence that you will do a difficult or challenging job well. Just sayin' that once in awhile, I want a real reward. You know, I should be careful I don't "reward" my hard-working students with MORE work. Hmmmm. Something to think about.

Beginnings and Endings

As I recently watched my 2 week-old flower bouquet begin to wilt, I've considered how sad it is that something so beautiful has to turn ugly and moldy. Yet we live in a transient world and for someone as sentimental as I am, that can be difficult. It has never been easy for me to turn away from the closed door and find the open window. I seem to spend a lot of time staring at that darn door or hacking away at it.

The other day I was preparing to walk out the door of my classroom, bags in hand, to head home for the night. I turned off the lights and then turned to gaze for a moment at the stillness of the dim room. I was instantly transported to another time and place - cool how our memories can do that sometimes. In this other time, I was sitting in the middle of an empty classroom, tears streaming silently down my face, thinking of all the memories that room and that school held for me. I spent the first 10 years of my teaching career in that place, and in many ways, grew up there, along with my students. This last day, my things were all packed up and carted away and I had to walk away to an unknown future. As clearly as if I were there again I can see everything and I can FEEL myself there. In the present, I walked slowly to my car, seeing all the differences and similarities around me and remembering all the changes in my life since that time. And I realized that although there are many endings in our lives, with each ending comes the beginning of something else.

I was talking with a friend this week and about the concept of being comfortable in our lives. I think we all like to stay in our comfort zones, where it is safe and we know what to expect. But he reminded me that if we make that the guiding principal in our lives, it cuts us off from our greatest growth and experiences. I had to concede that the times in my life that I have grown the most and come to know myself as a person, as well as strengthened my relationships with those I care about, have not usually come when things were going smoothly and I felt safe and comfortable. However much I hate to admit it, the times I have been stretched to the very limit, as I am pounding and screaming at the shut door before me, blind to the new doors and windows, have been the times I have made the greatest strides.

Endings are necessary. They can be painful and ugly and sometimes leave us feeling bruised, empty, or eternally weary. But they can also be poignant, lovely, and hopeful. And the best part is, they bring a new beginning.

Isaiah 61:3:
"...to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness..."